Thursday, September 05, 2013

Looking Back At The First Year... Introduction

So... it's been 6 months since I last blogged.  Lots have happened in those 6 months.  But the most important thing is we passed our 1-year mark with the girls.

We celebrated our "gotcha day" on July 24th.  This was the day that we picked up the girls from their orphanage, and they have been with us ever since.  The actual adoption date isn't until sometime in November, but we decided to use the day we picked them up.

Since that day (July 24th of this year) I have been meaning to blog.  I have wanted to blog.  But, I couldn't get myself to sit down and do it.  It was overwhelming, and there was too much to say.  How do I even try to explain what life is like?  How do I live this openly like I know God has asked me to and still protect my girls?  Do I come across as complaining too much?

I learned very early on that unless you have been through this yourself, you really don't understand.  I am not saying that to bash anyone, it is just the truth.  When people ask me how we are doing, I am usually at a loss as of what to say.  Because if I start talking about an issue and they immediately agree with me and say that their kid is the same way, I get a little bugged.  Really?  Does your kid have 5 years of abandonment and neglect that comes into play with every decision they make? Does your kid jump in fear every time you walk into their room, or flinch and cower thinking that you are going to hit them every time you raise your hand around them? I certainly hope not.

I have felt alone many times this last year, when I have only had my husband and God who truly understand.  God is so faithful... that is what I have learned this year.  He truly is faithful. He has guided me, held me and let me scream at Him.  He has never condemned me when I know I have failed at mothering all 4 of my kids.  He is good and He is faithful.

So, anyway... back to my overwhelmed feeling about blogging.  When I was growing up and my room would get to be too messy (like every week), my Mom would get fed up (who can blame her?) and come into my room and dump everything out of every drawer into a big pile in the center of my room.  She would tell me to start over and clean how it should be cleaned.  I would look at that big pile and not know where to start.  That is how I feel now... I don't know where to start.  It is too much.  Too big of a pile to even know what is there to talk about! Then I think my dad gave me an idea once that I still use to this day.  He pulled out a jump rope and roped off a portion of my room and said, "Start there.  Don't look at the rest of the room until this portion is done, and then move the rope to a new portion."  I still use this technique, just not with a jump rope anymore.  So, that is how I am going to update you on our first year.  The good, the bad, and the ugly.  There is a lot of all of it!

I had a song in my head today that I couldn't remember all the lyrics to, so I looked it up tonight.  It is "Here For You" by Matt Redman.  Part of the chorus says, "To you our hearts are open / Nothing here is hidden."  For whatever reason, God used that line to remind me that He has asked us to live openly about our adoption, our work with OM, and basically our lives.  He already knows our story, He is the One writing it, and I haven't done a very good job of telling it lately.  So over the course of hopefully just a few weeks I will catch you up on our story in small parts so I don't feel so overwhelmed by looking at the big mess in front of me... Hopefully you will enjoy reading them!

The top is the very first picture we saw of our girls back in September of 2011 and the bottom was taken on our first "gotcha day" July 24, 2013.

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